What If?

Today has been a long day. The last two weeks have been long. So instead of doing all my household chores right now I'm going to write my thoughts, or I may go crazy :) Days like today I often wonder what life would be like if Mason went to school everyday. What if his teachers cared for him longer than I did? What if I didn't really know Sutton's schedule because his teachers had him every day all day? What if someone else was to know when Mason was sleepy or grumpy, or very very happy? What if they knew favorite snacks and food because well...I only fed him dinner and on the weekends? Just writing the words makes me cringe. For me, all of that sounds horrible. I think it's hard enough to not know if Mason really liked his lunch on Tuesday and Thursday. Or to not know how much love they really gave Sutton throughout the day because they have 10 other kids to attend too. (Sutton gets lots of love though I know because he's still the youngest in his school and every teacher tells me they sneak to the nursery during the day to hold him a bit) :) But it's also days like today I wonder if all those things wouldn't be better for Mason? Sometimes I feel our days are filled with time outs, no's, and spankings. They seem more frequent lately. And I hate it. I hate the person it makes me. I hate the way it makes Mason act towards me. I hate the thought of us not having a good time together and not enjoying our time while we have it. Mason is on better behavior for other people. Cold hard fact. He does great at school, church, gym, grandparents, babysitters....all of the above. Even Ryon. So it obviously hurts my feelings when he seems to be so mean to me somedays. He hits, he throws, he screams, he won't listen...it's exhausting. And at the end of those days I simply wonder if he'd be better off at school with a teacher who knew him better than me....obviously I know the answer to that thought. I know Mason is who he is, good and bad, playful and funny, witty and courageous, because he spends his days with me and Sutton. I'm fully convinced he will climb a tree before he says his ABC's out loud. And I'm okay with that :) He'll be in school for 18 plus years of his little life, he needs to go climb a tree or eat some dirt :) However, the temper tantrums, the throwing, the hitting...i'm not okay with it and I just really want it to stop soon. He put me to tears today. My 23 month old made me cry. Only because I love him and only because I know he loves me back but just isn't showing it lately. But it's also on these days I have to remember yesterday. Yesterday we played. We traced our legs with chaulk. We attempted to climb trees. We chased the squirrel. We had a dance party to the song on "mighty machines" Yes. Boys have dance parties. especially when they involve mighty machines :) So I pray that every day I have a day like today, I have a day like yesterday in front of or behind it.